I don’t like the regular doctor, but Dr. Childress’s office is much nicer. It’s really big and has big windows and out front there is a bunch of toys to play with. They’re old kinds of toys and they’re kind of boring, but they’re still a lot better htan the regular doctors! They don’t have any toys at all. Just old magazines where someone else has done all the puzzles and games.
Even tho the office is way better here, Dad is super grumpy today. Mom’s upset too, but just because Dad’s upset. She says you know we have to do this. Its the law. Dad says its a sick law.
Maybe the law should come to the doctor too!
There is a bunch of other kids waiting too. I ask Dad if this is a kids doctor too like Doctor More, but he says no. These aren’t kids. I don’t know why Dad is so strange today. Mom grabs him by the arm and tells me to go play while we wait. There’s a marble maze but anotehr boy is palying with it, so we’ll have to sahre. I say Hi, I’m Toby. Can I paly with the maze too? He says sure. He doesn’t tell me his name. I start to play too, but he’s a little weird. He doesn’t really look at me or say much.
Is this your first time here too I ask him. No, he says. He still doesn’t look at me. I’ve been here lots of times he says. I ask him how many. He takes a minute.
I don’t know he says. Lots of times.
We play for a while but he’s really quiet. After a while I ask him Are you okay? I’m sick of this toy he says. I ask him Why don’t you play with another one? I’m sick of all the toys he says.
After a long time my parents get me and we go to see the doctor. Dr. Childress is different than my regular doctor, Dr. More. She’s younger, like Mom, and she doesn’t even wear a doctor’s uniform. We’re just in a regualr room, and she’s at a desk. She reminds me of a teacher at school. Mom shakes her hand, but Dad keeps holding mine and takes me straight to a chair. Then mom and the doctor join us. Usually doctors talk to Mom and Dad first, but Dr. Childress starts talking to me right away.
Hi there Toby she says. How are you doing today?
Okay, I say. But I’m a little nervous. I don’t like to go to the doctor very much. Even though Dr. More is nice, it’s still not fun. And sometimes there’s a shot. I guess Dr. Childress can tell, because the next thing she says is There’s no need to worry. All we’re going to do today is talk.
Then she starts asking me questions from a piece of paper. They’re not the kinds of questions a doctor would usually ask. They start out really easy. Like what are my favorite toys? How do I like school? What do I want to be if I grow up? But then they get harder, even though they’re not the kinds of questions you can get right or wrong.
One is would I rather go to a worse school with all my same classmates and friends, or a better one with all new people? Then she asks me again what job I’d want, if I couldn’t be a racecar driver. And then again, if I couldn’t be a spaceman. And again and again. This one goes on for a long time, until all the fun jobs are gone. And then I don’t know what to answer, so I say build houses like Dad.
The whole time, she just keeps righting things down, and it makes me feel like I’m saying the wrong thing. But Dr. Childress doesn’t stop smiling or anything. She just says Good, good.
I glance over to Dad and he looks really angry and scared. I haven’t seen him like that in a long time.
Finally she finishes the questions. She puts the paper down and looks at me.
She asks Toby, do you know why you’re here today? I look up at my Dad again.
Am I sick, I ask.
The doctor smiles. No, she says, you’re not sick. But she says I have a choice to make soon and we have to start talking about it. She asks me, do I know what unformed constent is, but I don’t.
She says when people go to the doctor, they have to decide what treatment the doctors will do. But medicine is hard to understand and people need to understand what they’re agreeing to. So they talk about it with the doctor to know what everything will do. And that’s what we’re doing today.
Dr. Childress says constent is really important. Not just for medicine, but for everything. Then she asks me, Do I want to grow up?
I don’t. I always thought growing up sounded awful. You have to work and get old like Dad, and grown ups are always so upset. I hate the idea of growing up. But I don’t say that. I don’t know why, but it feels like a very important question. So I say I don’t know.
That’s okay, the doctor says. She’ll help me figure it out.
She wants to know if I have questions. I think for a minute.
If I stop growing, will I live forever?
No, she says. I’ll live the normal amount, unless I get sick or have an accident. I just won’t grow.
If I stop growing, can I start again?
She makes a little face this time. Only a couple times, she says. Doctors don’t like to do it more than twice, because it can start to cause problems. It’s better to think of it as a permnent decision.
I don’t know what to think about it. How long do I have to decide?
She says as long as I want. The thing is, I’m always growing. So if I wait, I’m making a choice too. I don’t really understand how not choosing is choosing.
Most people, the doctor explains, like to grow up. But they don’t like growing old. When the treatment started, that’s what people used it for. But then some people said if they had been able, they wouldn’t have grown up in the first place. And after a lot of arguing, everyone decided that people shouldn’t have to.
Ok, I say. That’s a weird story but it doesn’t really help me. I look over to my parents and ask what I should do.
No, Dr. Childress says loud. This is your decision. Your parents can’t tell you what to do. That’s part of the law.
But my parents help me decide most things. Not this, she says.
It’s a weird doctors visit, because when we leave, we haven’t done anything. Just talked. On the ride home I don’t say anything, because all I want to do is ask my parents about it, but I’m not allowed. That makes it worse because I can’t stop thinking about it.
Being grown up seems so scary. But a lot of grown ups are nice. But a lot aren’t. And even a lot of the nice ones seem sad all the time. Like Dad.
At bedtime I can’t fall asleep. I roll around. I wish I had a game or a phone. I hate not falling asleep, because all I have is my own head, and I don’t like that.
I get upset and I kick the end of the bed, but it’s way louder than I thought. And then I hear something in the hall, and I can tell from the way it sounds that I woke up Dad, and I hide under the covers because I don’t want to get in trouble. He looks through the door and says Toby, are you up?
I don’t answer, I just make a scared sound, but he turns on the light and sits on the side of the bed. Are you alrite he asks?
I tell him I can’t sleep.
He says me neither, and he asks if I want to talk about today. I say isn’t that against the rules, but he says its a dumb rule and he’s going to talk to his own son.
I feel bad about braking the rule but I’m also glad. I ask him what he thinks. He takes a big breath.
He says its hard to explain, because I’m too young to understand it all. That’s why he’s so mad. I shouldn’t have to make those kinds of decisions. But I do, I say, and he says yeah. I ask him what he thinks.
I think you should grow up like normal, he says.
But growing up is scary.
I know, he says. Scary things aren’t always bad. Sometimes you have to do scary things. They make you a better person.
That doesn’t make sense to me. Scary things just give me nightmares.
He says having me was scary. He didn’t know if he would be a good Dad, and the whole time Mom was pregnent he was the scaredest he’d ever been. But he was glad he did the scary thing because he says having me is the best thing he’s ever done.
When you stop growing, Dad says, you stop living. Like Mom. They say it’s just fiscal, but its not. She doesn’t act as old as she is either. She got stuck.
Mom’s alive, I say.
I know, he says. He looks hurt. She wanted to stay pretty. But she’s missing a lot. He says he doesn’t want me to miss things that make life worth living.
I say grown up stuff doesn’t seem very fun, and he says there are more important things thatn fun. I’ll understand when I’m older.
But I might not be older.
Exactly, he says.
I really wanted to talk to Dad, but now I’m more confused. I think he can tell. Get some sleep, he says. We can talk more later.
He gets up, and when he does we both notice Mom is in the doorway. She looks mad, but she doesn’t say anything as he walks out. It takes me a long time to fall asleep after that, but eventually it happens.
In the morning, everyone is really quiet at breakfast. I try to stay quiet too, but I start to pretend my cereal is in a big swimming contest. I move my spoon to hard and spill it on the table. I get ready for Mom and Dad to yell, but they stay quiet, which is kind of worse.
Dad comes over to help me clean up, but while he does there’s a knock at the door so Mom goes to see who it is. It takes us a minute to clean everything up, and when we finish she’s still gone. Dad tells me to wait, and goes to the front door to check on her.
I can here people talking, but they’re really quiet, so I can’t tell what they’re saying. It seems like a long time, and I start to get scared, so I go to the door too.
There are two policemen there, and Dad is putting on his shoes.
What’s going on, I ask. Dad says he’s going to go with the officers for a while. Is this because we broke the rule, I ask.
Mom says don’t worry, kids don’t get in trouble for that, but I wasn’t even thinking of me and they put handcuffs on Dad and I run and grab his leg and say he’s my Dad he didn’t do anything wrong but Mom pulls me away and says yes he did. And they take Dad away and I cry and cry and Mom holds me and says its okay but its not okay! Is she stupid? I run away upstairs and close the door and curl up in bed. I want to just go to sleep but I can’t.
Dad said scary things are important, but I don’t understand. It makes me feel a little better tho, because I’m so scared now, so maybe it’ll be important somehow. But I don’t understand how. Grownups are always saying things that don’t make sense.
Maybe I should grow up so I can figure it out.